Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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