Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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