Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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