i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
