were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love having hate sex.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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