dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
