yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
