I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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