I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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