I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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