someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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