You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
