i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
ugly people sure do ruin things
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
