So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
