Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
