I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
