My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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