So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
