can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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