Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
