Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
