Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
