when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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