I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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