I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
