She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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