Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My feet surprised me
Randomize
