I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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