I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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