Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
