I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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