I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
