You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
