When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
