Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
