she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
