so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
