You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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