Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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