Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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