Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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