so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
