If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Pants are for mortals
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
