White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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