Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
