my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
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It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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