I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
