i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
