I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
