I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
