I think I died a long time ago.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
