Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
